PLAYMOBIL: THE MOVIE Review – **

Why am I seeing Playmobil: The Movie? Well, I haven’t seen all that many bad movies this year. And this isn’t only supposed to be bad, it’s supposed to be terrible (16% on RT). And moreover, it had the worst opening weekend ever for any film playing in over 2,300 theaters—a little over $650,000. As of this writing, it hasn’t even cleared $1 million at the U.S. box-office. (It may eventually do so, but only barely.) Naturally, I have to.

And as a special treat, I’m going to live-blog the experience, as I expect to be alone or nearly so.

I’m walking in late. Would’ve been on time, but I had to jump through a ton of hoops to renew my health insurance. Anya Taylor-Joy is singing a generic pop song as the credits finish rolling. Good sign. Lucky me.

Oh shit, the cops are here. Are you under arrest for making a shitty movie?

Dramatic fade out. And now the lighting is all blue. And it’s four years later. What is this, a Chick tract?

“There are more important things than fun!” Great way to (probably) sum up this film.

I should mention I’m, amazingly, not alone in this screening. There’s a family of three here as well. I’m sitting behind them so I can live blog this.

Her little brother ran away, leaving behind a picture of his Playmobil toys. I probably missed the significance of this.

Something about a dinosaur?

“Midtown?! Are you kidding me?!” Is this set in Kansas City?

Ha, the security guard is a snarky Noo Yawk type.

Her name is Marla? Oh boy. She even looks a bit like Helena Bonham Carter.

“Life is full of disappointments and it’s not the way you want it to be.” Why does this movie keep describing itself for me?

Oooooh, she set off something magic.

“I think something bad’s happening.” Enough already! “Or something good.” Naw, kid.

MAGIC SUCTION LIGHT!

Ha, they got Tron-ed.

And now this becomes an animated film. A not very well animated film.

Little brother is now his Viking toy. Sister is the same as before, just Playmobil-ed. Logic.

Viking battle time!

I…think Marta just accidentally killed herself with a mace.

Little brother (Charlie) is the hero of the battle. And they’re being watched by…steampunk pirates? Working for…a Roman emperor?

Oh right, this is a total rip-off of The Lego Movie. (Playmobils are a total rip-off of Legos, so it fits.) And Marla isn’t dead.

Song time. Or more accurately, chant time.

Charlie is now “Charles the Destroyer.” And he screams “This is awesome!” Some destroyer.

And now we’re on a freeway. And Charlie’s been kidnapped by the steampunk pirates. And there’s a dude with a beard wearing a Hawaiian shirt driving a van selling “enchanted hay.”

He’s totally a dealer. You can’t tell me he isn’t. He also sounds like a poor man’s T.J. Miller. (That was Jim Gaffigan? Holy fuck. I officially apologize.)

And now we’re in a Wild West Town. So now we’re directly ripping off Lego Movie.

The enchanted hay causes horses to sprout wings? Never saw weed do that. (Also wouldn’t a winged horse be…at least potentially desirable, especially in this world?)

Eye-narrowing baby!

This dealer character is annoying as shit. His name is Del. Fuck him. And he calls his van “Del’s Bell.”

I will say, this isn’t as bad as The Emoji Movie. That’s not saying a whole lot, but that movie was just grotesque. This is just silly.

Yep, there’s an emperor. His name is Maximus. He’s got insane bags under his eyes for some reason. I’m assuming a hangover.

I think he’s about to sing. Or chant. Whatever.

Oh, his name is Maximus because this movie’s about to rip off Gladiator—Charlie and some other prisoners of Maximus are gonna have to fight in the arena.

This vexes me. I am terribly vexed.

And now we’ve got a James Bond knock-off named Rex Dasher. Who’s hitting on Marla.

And there’s a villain whose weakness is breakfast burritos. Better than the Indian food gimmick from RIPD, though…right? (Never saw it.)

“Take her to the dentist chair.” Oh, please tell me we’re about to rip off Marathon Man.

Just so you know…it isn’t safe.

Rex Dasher is getting kidnapped by the steampunk pirates because he’s an idiot. That tracks.

Del’s stuffing his face with meatballs. I wish I had some meatballs.

At least I only had to pay $5 to see this. That almost makes up for my health insurance premiums going through the roof next year.

What the fuck is that thing? A Ditto?

An Adele reference. I was just wondering where she’s been recently.

Now we’re in the back room of the club visiting the big cheese. And Del’s laying on the charm. And the big cheese looks like Jabba the Hutt. And a robot just might have fallen in love with Marla.

Ooh, Marla got caught in a lie. Now she and Del are fucked.

Hey, pirate chief? Maybe save your song for once you’re actually underway. And now Charlie’s gonna have to Captain a ship, womp womp.

Horny robot saved Del and Marla! Yay! Only now they’re in…some Seussian forest, I guess? Near a castle?

“Is there anyone’s life you don’t ruin, Marla?” Del’s gone off on his own. Good riddance.

Aww, serious moment where Charlie talks about how much he misses Marla. Pardon me whilst my eyes moisten. And now he’s let his fellow prisoners escape while he faces Maximus’ men by himself. How touching.

“This can’t possibly get any worse.” Cue rainstorm? Any clichés this film won’t deploy?

Fairy godmother time! (That’s a no.)

“Sometimes we don’t see what’s right in front of us!” Cue ballad.

I bet someone thought this song would be an Oscar nominee. Probably the same person who thought a Playmobil movie would be a good idea.

Okay, call me a sap, but these magical critters are kind of cute.

So the fairy godmother gave her and the robot a makeover, self-belief, and all the tools needed to find Charlie. Beats actual storytelling, I guess.

Oh snap, Charlie’s in the arena. And he’s facing—well, never mind, Marla’s here to rescue him. Now they’re going to face…a dinosaur!

Calling it now, this T. rex is a total softie. They’re pink and purple. Gotta be.

Del’s back to help save the day. Ugh.

“The Super…Duo…SLINGSHOT!” That was supposed to be rousing, right?

They got the dino high on enchanted hay. Now it has wings and is sweet. Called it.

And there’s Rex Dasher and the other prisoners. Maximus is about to get his.

He got his. How…satisfying.

Marla freed the fairy dino. Whom, I just noticed, had distinctly jointed limbs. Creepy.

Wait, how the fuck are Marla and Charlie planning to get home?

Oh, the magic beam conveniently opened up for them. Please tell me the dinosaur is coming back to the real world with them.

No dice. Boo.

Who’s playing this security guard? Is this that one dude who was in Joker and A Most Violent Year?

What? Why is her passport stamped with all the Playmobil lands they visited? Is that something in the Playmobil fandom? Is there actually a PLAYMOBIL fandom?

It’s over. And this end-credits song is the real “for your consideration” song from the soundtrack. It’s not very good, but I don’t think that’s any kind of surprise.

Oh, snap, Maximus is free once again! Bet he’ll wreak some havoc in Playmobil 2!

So that’s that. Not a good movie by any means, but more in the sense of being a generic piffle than being offensively inept or crass. It’s just, again, a shameless spring of The Lego Movie without anything to make it special or to justify seeing it instead of rewatching Lego Movie or its sequel.

The animation isn’t very good, but it’s not distractingly bad. The songs are bland, but not upsetting. The voice acting isn’t great, it’s mostly just there. It’s hard to really call it a truly bad movie; true badness would be more memorable than this. This is just a shiny nothing. So how to rate it?

Well, after weighing the deficiencies of its various elements while being fair to its…is “competence” the word? It manages not to suck as much as it might have. Anyhow, I’ve arrived at a score of 51—a mid-high **. That works. It’s a film meant for very little kids, but as films for little kids go, it’s still not good. You can do better by them, I assure you.

Score: 51