I’ve added nine films to the list – eight first-time views and one rewatch – including three new films in the bottom 10, two of which score a perfect 0! It’s well worth reading through to the bottom.
Previous versions of this list can be found here and here.
100. My Son Hunter (2022)
This isn’t one of the worst films ever made because it takes Hunter Biden and his father to task; it’s one of the worst films ever made because it’s incredibly inept at doing so.
99. Song of Norway (1970)
Edvard Grieg wrote some fine music. His life, however, did not make for a fine film. In fact, it made for a really, really boring one. But it means well.
98. Batman Forever (1995)
I’ll take Batman & Robin over this any day. Jim Carrey’s Riddler is one of the most annoying performances I can think of (as Tommy Lee Jones said, “I do not sanction your buffoonery”), while Val Kilmer is hardly dynamic enough to do Batman or Bruce Wayne justice.
97. Pain & Gain (2013)
A disturbing, fascinating true story becomes a Michael Bay film – one which lets the Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne Johnson characters off easy, turns the Tony Shalhoub character (whom they victimize) into a sleazy Jewish stereotype – one which led the inspiration for his character to sue – and throws in some sexual-assault jokes for good measure.
96. United Passions (2014)
A soulless hunk of FIFA propaganda that opened right as the organization’s officials were being investigated for corruption. That, and its record-setting box-office failure, are more interesting than the actual film.
95. Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011)
Released with a scratch-and-sniff card that didn’t even work. That says it all, doesn’t it?
94. The Swarm (1978)
If you don’t like Zack Snyder’s use of slow-motion, just wait till you see what Irwin Allen does with it! And then see what he does with a cast filled with capable actors and a big budget!
93. This Means War (2012)
Less funny than any Spy vs. Spy cartoon; in fact, not really funny at all. Add in unlikable characters, Chelsea Handler, a weird Anglophobic streak, and the total wasting of Angela Bassett and Til Schweiger, and you’ve got a war, all right – on the viewer.
92. Sextette (1977)
I can’t blame Mae West for trying, for not letting age or a film 21 spots down the list stop her from mounting one last star vehicle. But with such feeble material (based on her own play) and a performance which betrays the loss of her old energy, there was little chance this would be genuinely good.
91. The Amityville Horror (1979)
This was a huge hit, an Oscar nominee, and it established a brand which is still being used to sell Z-grade schlock! It boggles the mind, as it’s a laughable nothing of a movie based on a bullshit story.
90. That’s My Boy (2012)
On the other hand, I can absolutely blame Adam Sandler for not caring enough to make a better film. And I’m not done with him. Not by a damn sight. At least none of the rest feature incest (and worse) played for laughs.
89. Morbius (2022)
It’s Morbin’ time, or it would be if turning this terrible film into a meme actually justified putting it back into theaters. It still made way more money than it deserved to, which is to say any at all.
88. Slamma Jamma (2017)
An inspirational drama about competitive slam-dunking; like most bad inspirational dramas, it’s not exactly clear what we’re supposed to be inspired by, or inspired to do. Unlike most bad inspirational dramas, the lead actor has his own name tattooed on his arm.
87. Lost Horizon (1973)
I’ve read the book and I’ve seen this excruciating musical adaptation, one of the most tedious films I’ve ever suffered through and a legendary flop that was almost impossible to see for decades. But I’ve still never seen the classic Frank Capra adaptation. Does that tell you something about me?
86. Lockout (2012)
At the time, I said this was “as unthrilling as action movies get,” but admitted that Guy Pearce was having fun. That made one of us.
85. A Thousand Words (2012)
You’re gonna see a lot of movies from 2011-13 on this list, because that was when I and a certain friend of mine made a point of seeing bad movies in the theater. This one is Eddie Murphy ripping off Liar Liar. Long shelved, it was his last film for several years, and you can tell why.
84. Can’t Stop the Music (1980)
A pretty legendary bad movie which helped put an end to the Village Peoples’ careers; I mainly remember the final performance of the title song, which has some of the laziest choreography this side of my grade-school choir performance.
83. What to Expect When You’re Expecting (2012)
I can do no better than quote my old review: “Pregnant mothers should not watch this, nor anyone who has been born.” I don’t remember what Ben Falcone does in this movie, but I described him as “intolerable,” which isn’t promising.
82. Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
Another legendary piece of shit, another Michael Caine paycheck role, and our first Mario Van Peebles film on the list (he also dragged his father into it). It couldn’t have been worse if they’d included the original explanation that the shark was motivated by a voodoo curse.
81. Anne B. Real (2003)
It’s a movie about a girl, influenced by Anne Frank, who wants to be a rapper. The premise is more memorable than the actual film. But at least it’s sincere!
80. The Devil Inside (2012)
This is the movie that ended with directions to visit a website to learn more about the “true” story behind it all, and the advertising made extensive use of a nun with severe cataracts, who appears in one brief shot. It all goes to show how little anyone involved gave a shit.
79. 365 Days (2020)
A morally grotesque slice of Polish-Italian softcore soap opera, ripping off Fifty Shades without a trace of dramatic skill or cinematic verve. It’s still better than the sequel.
78. Zookeeper (2011)
This is mostly Kevin James’ show, and it’s terrible, but Adam Sandler voices a monkey and he’s truly unbearable. I wonder if the absurd product placement motivated anyone, anywhere, to eat at TGI Fridays. Not me.
77. Movie 43 (2013)
The final sketch, a James Gunn creation about an animated cat in love with its owner, is genuinely funny. The rest of it is terrible, as complete a waste of talent (and, dare I say, a few decent comic ideas) as I’ve ever seen.
76. One for the Money (2012)
Remember when Katherine Heigl was headlining major movies? This one was an attempt at starting a franchise based on the popular Stephanie Plum novels, which didn’t take. No wonder, since in this movie, at least, Plum is pathetically incompetent and surrounded by annoying stereotypes.
75. Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959)
This is to bad movies what Citizen Kane is to good movies, which is to say it’s not actually the worst movie ever made, but it’s pretty bad – mostly because of Wood’s ear for dialogue, or total lack thereof. What’s weird is, he might have been an okay director if he’d just used someone else’s script.
74. Branded (2012)
Evil corporate logos lurk among us like the hallucinated giant bees in The Swarm, there are animal sacrifices, and I can’t remember exactly what happens to Max von Sydow – he either turns into an animal or just vanishes in a blaze of light. Not at all good, but one of the wildest movies I’ve seen.
73. The Nutcracker in 3D (2010)
Long after Runaway Train, Andrei Konchalovsky spent a $90 million budget on this abortive attempt at adapting the classic ballet, with some truly dreadful special effects, incoherent editing, and Nathan Lane at his worst as Albert Einstein (!). One of at least three notably lacking adaptations.
72. The Last Godfather (2011)
Hyung-rae Shim’s Younggu is a popular character in his native South Korea. This was his attempt to have Younggu conquer America, as the long-lost son of mobster Harvey Keitel. It failed, because Younggu is horribly off-putting, and because we’ve got plenty of our own terrible comedies.
71. Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star (2011)
Like this, a vehicle for Nick Swardson as a pathetic dweeb who becomes a kind of porn star because he makes other men look good. Adam Sandler wasn’t in this, but he wrote and produced it.
70. Matilda (1978)
Not the great kid’s movie about a telekinetic little girl, but a horrendous family film about a boxing kangaroo, played by a man in the most nightmarish suit this side of the Ice Cream Bunny.
69. Myra Breckinridge (1970)
More Mae West, but here she’s supporting Raquel Welch as the titular Myra, who begins the film as Rex Reed’s Myron (and Reed is just as bad at acting as he is at film criticism) and journeys through a miasma of stock footage, disastrous satire, and the first pegging in Hollywood history.
68. Abduction (2011)
Kristen Stewart has an Oscar nomination (and should’ve won). Robert Pattinson should’ve been nominated in 2019. Taylor Lautner, on the other hand, has struggled to establish himself outside of Twilight, and vehicles like this dreadful thriller are a big part of why.
67. Big Money Rustlas (2010)
The Insane Clown Posse play cowboys for 95 minutes. They probably had fun doing it. I didn’t have fun watching it. Fucking movies, how do they work?
66. She’s Just a Shadow (2019)
There is no greater moment in film history than when Knockout stomps a wheelchair-bound urchin to death, screams “FUCK YOUR DOG!” and punts the kid’s dog over a fence, and then gets hit by a truck. None. (And now you can see it on Tubi!)
65. The Identical (2014)
What if Elvis’ stillborn twin brother had lived and achieved modest fame as an Elvis impersonator? And they once sort-of met and never realized the truth? And their story, lightly disguised, was made into an “inspirational” drama with a dash of Jews-for-Jesus messaging? You’d get this nonsense.
64. Shanghai Surprise (1986)
Back when Madonna and Sean Penn were together, they made this piffling rom-com caper about a missionary and a ne’er-do-well on the trail of an opium cache. To quote myself, “too forgettable to be one of the worst films ever made” – which is the most praise I can offer it.
63. Hillary’s America: The Secret History of the Democratic Party (2016)
Dinesh D’Souza, who wants to be the right-wing Michael Moore but has none of the cinematic skill or screen presence, uncovers secrets which anyone could find on Wikipedia, and interviews people who agree with him wholeheartedly. Even if I remotely agreed with him, it’d still be a shitty film.
62. Good Deeds (2012)
Tyler Perry proves himself no better at making serious drama than he is at making broad comedy; Thandiwe Newton, Gabrielle Union, and Rebecca Romijn are along for the ride this time, along with enough B-roll footage of San Francisco to remake The Room twice over.
61. An American Hippie in Israel (1972)
There are a few scenes which are wild and imaginative enough to be fun-bad. The rest of it is really boring and repetitive, which might be all right if you’re high…but I watched this sober, and it was a total drag.
60. Jack and Jill (2011)
Adam Sandler strikes again, here playing his standard character and his standard character’s obnoxious sister. Al Pacino falls in love with her and ends up doing a Dunkin’ Donuts commercial. This ended up one spot on the year-end box-office list above Hugo.
59. The Astrologer (1976)
I spent a long time trying to see this movie, and when it finally surfaced online, I wasn’t disappointed; it’s hilariously incoherent, dreadfully acted, and features the legendary line, “You’re not an astrologer – you’re an asshole!” An absolute must-see.
58. Son of the Mask (2005)
Long-delayed sequels are rarely any good, and this is no exception; Jamie Kennedy (remember him?) is no Jim Carrey, and that’s allowing for the fact that I’m not a huge fan of Carrey. Terrible special effects, an asinine story, and a solid cast and big budget totally wasted.
57. Mac and Me (1988)
An acknowledged bad-movie classic, and deservedly so; creepy-looking aliens who need Coke to survive arrive on Earth and one befriends a young boy, who takes him to McDonald’s at one point. Famously ends with the threat of a sequel, which never came to pass.
56. The Wicker Man (2006)
A horribly misogynistic, hilariously overwrought remake of the brilliant folk-horror film, with Nicolas Cage at his hammiest and Neil LaBute at his shittiest. One bad film which needs no introduction – and yet it’s still better than the follow-up to the original, which I’ll discuss later on.
55. Atlas Shrugged: Part II (2012)
This trilogy began badly (I never officially ranked Part I; it probably wouldn’t make this list but it might be close) and only got worse as the budgets shrank and the casts were replaced – each entry had a wholly separate cast for some reason – in the process failing to do justice even to this novel.
54. Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (1978)
I don’t mind the Bee Gees, but they’re not the Beatles, and this attempt at turning the classic album into a film would’ve failed even if it weren’t so totally incoherent and so thunderously inept, right up to the appearance of Billy Preston as a literal Magical Negro.
53. The Jet Benny Show (1986)
A spoof of Star Wars (three years after Return of the Jedi) crossed with a spoof of The Jack Benny Show (21 years after it went off the air)? What could go wrong? Well, aside from a non-existent budget, deathly annoying lead, terrible writing, and glacial pacing, not much.
52. It’s All About Love (2003)
But even a good director (Thomas Vinterberg) with a good cast (Joaquin Phoenix, Claire Danes, Sean Penn) can make a trainwreck, especially when the script is a complete mess. Apparently, Vinterberg asked no less a talent than Ingmar Bergman to bail him out, and was met with laughter.
51. Atlas Shrugged III: Who is John Galt? (2014)
Even worse than Part II, with a pathetically low budget, not just for the panoramic, technology-driven story being told, but for any film trying to look as slick as this one would like to. On top of that, it doesn’t have nearly the time or dramatic grip to tell the story coherently.
50. Nine Deaths of the Ninja (1985)
I saw this just the other day, and I’m glad, because it’s amazing. When the two main villains are “Alby the Cruel” (imagine Dr. Strangelove played by Tom Waits’ Renfield) and “Honey Hump” (a coked-out lesbian guerrilla with 80s hair five feet wide) you know you’re in good hands.
49. The Emoji Movie (2017)
A despicably indifferent film, with one of the laziest scripts ever thrown together for an animated feature – it suggests a teenage boy would never use the eggplant emoji, which arguably says it all. It also ends with him asking a girl out with an emoji – and she accepts. 🤢🤮
48. Maximum Overdrive (1986)
Speaking of coke, Stephen King was apparently not in his right mind during the production of this, the one film he ever directed, and it shows. Big rigs come to life and try to kill people; it’s so goofy you might think it was meant to be funny. It sure isn’t scary.
47. Sex and the City 2 (2010)
Even before I saw It Happened One Night, which Carrie slights in one especially obnoxious scene, I knew this film was a piece of materialistic crap. And now that I have, I can say any given scene of that film is funnier, more charming, and more romantic than this entire film.
46. Howard the Duck (1986)
I mean, the title is practically a byword for big-budget disasters, and with good reason: it’s ugly, unfunny, unlikable, and devoid of excitement. And it has duck breasts in an alleged family film. Ducks don’t even have those. But my mom kind of liked it, so there’s that.
45. Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny (1972)
Depending on which version you watch, half to two-thirds of this film is taken up by a story Santa tells a group of kids who’ve failed to move his sled from a Florida beach. That part isn’t very good. But the scenes with Santa, those kids, and the Ice Cream Bunny are absolutely horrendous.
44. Madea’s Witness Protection (2012)
Tyler Perry strikes again – he’ll make one more appearance on this list, but after 2013 I stopped seeing the films he directed and only saw him in films like Gone Girl and Vice, where he proved himself a capable actor when he isn’t playing his own awful material, as he does here.
43. Last Ounce of Courage (2012)
This was filmed not all that far from where I now live. And someone I know personally is in it. I’ve never mentioned to them that I’ve seen this pandering slice of persecution fantasy, and unless they happen to read this list, I’ll keep it that way. But hey, it’s Chuck Norris approved!
42. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
One of the first bad movies I ever saw – on VHS, as a young child. (My parents loved me.) Years later, I got to see it in a theater – and it’s just as terrible. The highest-definition image can’t change the miserably cheap production and inept acting. “Hooray for Santy Claus!”
41. The Snowman (2017)
I didn’t know they still made major studio releases this bad. I guess that happens when you leave large chunks of the script un-filmed or cast a cancer-riddled Val Kilmer and use the worst dubbing this side of Kung Pow for his dialogue. But then, they gave us all the clues, didn’t they?
40. Robot Monster (1953)
For a film this bad, there’s a surprising amount of promise here – the acting isn’t all that bad and a few scenes have potential. But then you get lines like “you look like a pooped-out pinwheel” and images like the Ro-Man lumbering across the screen, and it all evaporates.
39. Gigli (2003)
Yes, it’s quite terrible, but it’s also terribly boring, terribly offensive (Justin Bartha’s performance is worse than Simple Jack), and just plain stupid. “The mouth is the twin sister of the vagina”? No, I don’t think it is, I think that would be a different orifice – one this movie came out of.
38. An American Carol (2008)
Leaving aside the question of whether a good conservative comedy is possible, this is most certainly not one. Taking a lazy riff on Michael Moore and sticking him in a lazy rip-off of A Christmas Carol, it’s desperately unfunny, mean-spirited, and mocks documentaries for some reason.
37. Leonard Part 6 (1987)
Bill Cosby knew this movie sucked, told people not to see it, and accepted the Razzies it won. But as the star, producer, and co-writer (he gets sole story credit), it was on him to make it better, and he didn’t. But then, it was on him to be a decent human being, and he wasn’t that, either.
36. A Haunted House (2013)
At the time, I said “This barely deserves to be called a movie.” The only part I even remember is when they parody The Devil Inside – and yes, this is even worse than that miserable outing. There was a sequel which I’ve never bothered to see – but I’m sure it would make this list.
35. 365 Days: This Day (2022)
The first film was crap. This one is worse – it somehow has even less of a story, being mostly montages and unerotic sex scenes. It does have the classic evil-twin trope and ends on another cliffhanger that’ll presumably be nullified in the next film – and who knows how bad that’ll be?
34. Solarbabies (1986)
This film nearly cost Mel Brooks his house – it cost four times what Platoon did that same year – and for what? Terrible writing, terrible acting, and wildly uneven production values, including some of the goofiest costuming I’ve ever seen. There’s no better word for it than “dog-squeeze.”
33. Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas (2014)
If this was a satire of prosperity theology, it’d be one of the great comedies. Unfortunately, it seems to have been made in total sincerity, and so it’s one of the wildest pieces of devotional cinema ever created – and one of the most hilariously padded feature films ever released.
And now we move into the single-digit films – those films I rated less than a 10 on my 100-point scale.
32. Troll 2 (1990)
Deborah Reed’s performance as “Creedence Leonore Gielgud” was clearly meant to be campy and can be enjoyed as such. Everything else, from the cheap masks to the pissing on the table to “Oh my Goooooooooooooooooood,” betrays the fundamental incompetence at work.
31. Tyler Perry’s Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor (2013)
This is it for Tyler Perry on this list, but I’ve saved the worst for last. I’m not a part of his target demographic, which may partly explain why so many of his films didn’t work for me, but the awfulness of this one – especially the ending, which imposes celibate solitude on its HIV-positive protagonist – transcends that.
30. The Wonderful Land of Oz (1969)
Nudie-cutie director Barry Mahon tries his hand at family entertainment, making a comparatively faithful adaptation of the second Oz book, with only a minimal budget, a self-conscious cast (including his sadly untalented son), TV-commercial-level songs, and his own direction standing in the way of matching The Wizard.
29. Slapstick of Another Kind (1982)
Kurt Vonnegut’s Slapstick was, in his own opinion, one of his weaker novels. I can’t speak for the book, but I can say this (apparently rather loose) film adaptation is one of the worst films I’ve ever seen. When Jerry Lewis’ performance isn’t the biggest issue – the biggest issue is the incoherent, unfunny, frequently offensive script – you know you’ve got a turkey.
28. Me You Madness (2021)
Louise Linton, aka Mrs. Steve Mnuchin, wrote, directed, and starred in a film that wanted to be the girlboss American Psycho, but is so painfully unfunny – and is so convinced of its own cleverness – that it’s more Paul Allen than Patrick Bateman.
27. The Wicker Tree (2010)
This follow-up to the brilliant original – by the same director, no less – is somehow even worse than the wretched remake. The remake is at least memorably over-the-top; the follow-up is a lifeless slog, horribly acted (“the worst Texan accents on record” I once wrote) and made without any of the style or atmosphere of the original. Christopher Lee is brought in for about a minute, to no avail.
26. The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002)
This might be the lowest-grossing film to cost $100 million or more, and with good reason; it’s one of the most indifferent, generic, paycheck-performance films to cost that kind of money that I’ve ever seen. Eddie Murphy went through a bleak period in the Aughts, Dreamgirls aside, and this is just his most wasteful vehicle of that blighted period.
25. The Devil’s Carnival (2012)
I’m not at all a fan of Repo!, but it’s better than this tossed-off nonsense. The songs suck, there’s no story or character worth a damn, and it’s not even aesthetically interesting. There’s a sequel that I never bothered to see – featuring Kansas City’s own Tech N9ne!
24. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)
What happens when you let Cannon take over a once-acclaimed superhero franchise? The budget shrinks, leading to terrible special effects, and the writing goes to hell, with Christopher Reeve’s anti-nuke message getting lost amidst half-baked subplots, absurd lapses of logic, and the exploits of Nuclear Man, the first solar-powered super-villain!
23. Bad Charleston Charlie (1973)
A gangster farce masterminded by its star, Ross Hagen, who based the story on fact, and would’ve done well to stick to it; instead, we get a totally incoherent, painfully unfunny, dreadfully amateurish series of antics which amount to one of the most pitiful excuses for a film I’ve ever seen.
22. The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure (2012)
Kids’ movies don’t have to be bad, or lazy, or insultingly simple. You can make a movie for kids that viewers of all ages can actually enjoy. That’s not what Kenn Viselman, the “marketing genius” who gave us the Teletubbies, set out to do, however; he just wanted a new franchise to milk, and ended up with this hilariously worthless, money-losing pile of quasi-interactive crap.
21. Rappin’ (1985)
Mario Van Peebles again (at least he spared his father). Cannon again. 80s cheese again. I don’t remember this film all that well, aside from the super-80s homoeroticism, but I strongly doubt I’m being too harsh – looking at my old review, it doesn’t even have good rapping, and it damn sure doesn’t have anything else going for it.
20. Battlefield Earth (2000)
Do I need to say anything here? Unless you’re a rat-brained man-animal, you probably wouldn’t read a worst-movies list without having heard of John Travolta’s legendarily catastrophic attempt to bring L. Ron’s epic novel to the screen. I can only say that yes, it is that bad.
19. It’s Pat (1994)
At a time when trans and genderqueer people are increasingly visible – and fighting to be treated decently – the joke that we never do learn if Pat is male or female might land differently. But then, this film is so appallingly bad that it becomes a moot point; even at 78 minutes, the one joke is stretched past the breaking point.
18. Ghosts Can’t Do It (1989)
John and Bo Derek’s relationship was creepy to begin with, and the films he directed her in, fixated on her sex appeal, only make it worse; that’s on top of how astoundingly bad this film is, with a ridiculous premise, incoherent plotting, disastrous writing, Donald Trump, and Bo’s total lack of acting ability. The nauseating ending is just the cherry on top.
17. The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)
I’m not sure you could have made a good film from a gross-out trading-card series, but this film sure isn’t one; in fact, it’s one of the worst films ever made, with the “Kids” being gross, unlikable, and uninteresting, and played by actors in dreadfully unconvincing suits. It’s like if the Oogieloves were supposed to make you sick to your stomach.
16. Blood Feast (1963)
I get that Herschell Gordon Lewis wanted to spill a lot of blood on screen, and I suppose he was a pioneer of some sort. But when you don’t have the money for convincing gore effects, and you don’t have the money for good actors, and you don’t have any kind of talent (or at least don’t bother to use it), you end up with a really dreadful film.
15. Nukie (1987)
An E.T. rip-off, produced in apartheid-era South Africa, that makes Mac and Me look better. At least Mac and Me wasn’t racist (as far as I can recall). At least Mac wasn’t quite such a pathetic, snot-nosed lump as Nukie is. At least there isn’t a laserdisc copy of Mac and Me in the “International Friendship Exhibition” in North Korea. I can only assume the Kims never watched it.
14. A Talking Cat!?! (2013)
A drunk, indifferent Eric Roberts voices a cat, who “speaks” via some of the laziest effects I’ve ever seen in an effort to solve the problems of a group of characters, including unnerving former child star Johnny Whitaker and Kristine DeBell, who starred in a softcore version of Alice in Wonderland, which unintentionally underlines how this film appears to have been shot on a porno set.
13. Foodfight! (2012)
This sat on the shelf for years, and should’ve stayed there; the onslaught of product placement (entirely in vain, I’m sure), the hideously bad writing (including the immortal phrase “cold-farted itch”), and apocalyptically terrible animation make it one of the absolute worst films ever foisted on the world.
12. Dancin’ – It’s On! (2015)
I still can’t believe I saw this in a theater. It’s so amateurish, so generic, so lacking in objective quality, that it hardly seems to exist at times. But I’ve shown it to multiple friends, and the experience binds us together. This is a wretched film, but it’s my wretched film – if The Room came out too early for me to be a charter member of the cult, then let me lead the charge for this one.
11. Grown Ups 2 (2013)
This, on the other hand, I never want to see again. It’s the kind of film which pours on the obnoxious stereotypes – women are shrews or sex objects, men are immature jackasses – but is so timid that a couple of high-schoolers covertly pour their beers out rather than drink them. It’s the kind of movie that reflects a total contempt for the audience that ate it up to the tune of $133 million.
10. Frankenstein Island (1981)
John Carradine made some real garbage in his day. But this Z-grade schlock, which splices in crudely shot footage of him as the ghost of Dr. Frankenstein, influencing his cult (or something like that), might be the absolute worst; it looks and feels like a 60s B-film that fell through a time warp and landed in the early 80s with a thud.
9. Fun in Balloon Land (1965)
Like so many of the films near the bottom of this list, this barely deserves to be called a film. It’s only 52 minutes long, is mostly made up of poorly shot footage of a Philadelphia Thanksgiving parade, and has some of the most incompetent voiceover in film history. But someone tried to pass this off as an actual movie, so here it is!
8. Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)
I could make a better film than Birdemic with my phone. I could make a better film than Birdemic without a camera. Possibly the worst special effects in film history (though they’re almost creepy in their own artificial way), with acting that suggests the cast were passerby recruited on the spot, and filmmaking which falls short of any possible standard. There is a sequel I haven’t seen.
7. An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn (1997)
One of the dreariest excuses for a comedy imaginable, a dispiriting trudge through 86 minutes of inside-baseball Hollywood satire in mockumentary form, absent any wit or insight. The same year as this, another Joe Eszterhas script was filmed; the charming, semi-autobiographical Telling Lies in America. It was also a flop, but is far, far more worth seeking out – it might be Eszterhas’ best work.
Finally, we come to the films which earn a perfect 0 from me.
6. The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961)
Tor Johnson is best known for his less-than-convincing work in Plan 9, but this film manages to be far worse than that legendary disaster; between the baffling voiceover (“Touch a button. Things happen. A scientist becomes a beast.”), inept staging, and hopeless attempt to deliver a timely anti-nuke message, it packs a lot of awfulness into just 54 minutes.
5. Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)
You can now see this film in a lovely restoration (from the original workprint) which allows you to appreciate its wretchedness without any impediment. Nothing could make the horrendous dubbing sound good; nothing could make the acting or the storytelling competent; and nothing could make the ending less hilariously wrong-headed. But at least Harold P. Warren won his bet.
4. Tales from the QuadeaD Zone (1987)
Chester Novell Turner’s least awful film is kinda-sorta a horror anthology; one brief, pointless story of cannibalism, one long, boring story about a reanimated corpse dressed as a clown, and a framing device which is no less inept. I had forgotten that it, too, threatens us with a sequel – which has yet to haunt us.
3. Which Way to the Front? (1970)
I can’t imagine that The Day the Clown Cried is any worse than this. Jerry Lewis plays a tycoon who’s given a 4-F status and decides to take part in World War II regardless; he ends up impersonating a Nazi officer with the most ear-splitting accent imaginable. Painfully unfunny and tedious all the way through, right up to the ending, which has some of the crassest Asian stereotypes on record.
2. Black Devil Doll from Hell (1984)
I will simply quote my original review:
It’s hard to call this the worst film ever made, because it isn’t really a film; shot on shitteo, with virtually no plot, writing, acting or directing on display, it serves more as a subterranean fragment, a fascinatingly inept (and outrageously padded, even at 74 minutes–the credits go on forfuckingever) pseudo-horror/pseduo-porno artifact that manages to be hugely sexist into the bargain. But let’s be honest, could anyone ever take this seriously enough to be offended by it? Or at all? (No.)
And yet, at least until I rewatch Black Devil Doll, we’ve got a new #1:
Love on a Leash (2011)
Maybe I just wanted to shake things up. Maybe I just need to rewatch Black Devil Doll. But at least that film knew what it was trying to be about, however ludicrous that was; here, the premise (a womanizer is reincarnated as a dog and must find true love to return to his human form) is executed so poorly, with such sloppy logic and such haphazard storytelling (with possibly the worst editing I’ve ever seen) that it becomes utterly incoherent. Crowned with perhaps the least satisfying happy ending in film history, it deserves its place on this list.
The eight new films: My Son Hunter, The Amityville Horror, Morbius, An American Hippie in Israel, Me You Madness, Fun in Balloon Land, The Beast of Yucca Flats, and Love on a Leash. The rewatch: Troll 2.
If You Want the Gravy... 