If you want the gravy…

…You've got to get the biscuits!


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Cannes 2017: The Palme d’Or Contenders

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The 70th Cannes Film Festival kicks off today, and to mark the occasion I’ve decided to evaluate – in my own poor way – the films in contention for the festival’s top prize, the Palme d’Or.

I have provided synopses for all the contenders and trailers, when available. I have also taken a stab at guessing who’ll actually win the Palme, though my methods in doing so are wholly unscientific (unless you consider hunches to have a science of their own).

Apologies, by the way, for not breaking down the Un Certain Regard contenders and non-competitive screenings. Time and space did not allow.

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TRAILER SALAD THE 11TH: STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS plus THE BIG SHORT, HAIL CAESAR!, ANOMALISA, and MORE!

Well, this is obviously the trailer everyone’s talking about.

It would be wrong to deny the world my thoughts.

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TRAILER SALAD VIII: DOPE, TALE OF TALES (NSFW), MR. HOLMES, JURASSIC WORLD, YOUTH (NSFW), THE LITTLE PRINCE, WHEN MARNIE WAS THERE, RESULTS, THE OVERNIGHT, BLACK MASS, NIGHTINGALE

I’m so excited for this. I saw another trailer the other day that was even better. The Boys Don’t Cry bit strikes a sour note, but otherwise, this looks like a hell of a lot of fun. I haven’t had a film this year crack ****½ yet, let alone *****, so I’m hoping this could come close.

Also, I’m not going to share it, but I do want to say that the newest The Force Awakens trailer does look really fucking good. Abrams might be doing his best directing yet here, and it sounds like John Williams has written his first really good score in a while. I’m not even a huge Star Wars buff and I’m genuinely excited for this.

As compensation, here’s the newest Mad Max: Fury Road trailer. Because you need to be as excited for this movie as I am.

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11 to Heaven: GOODBYE TO LANGUAGE 3D, THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL, LEVIATHAN, TIMBUKTU, SONG OF THE SEA, THE INTERVIEW, THE IMITATION GAME, A FIELD IN ENGLAND, WETLANDS, MOEBIUS, and R100

“The best film of 2050”

Got a slate to clear. Got the 2015 films to tackle (well, aside from Chappie). Let’s see how quickly I can get through these.

I’d like to take this moment to tell you to check out my friend Ness’ new WordPress blog, The Ness Empire. He rants in grandiose fashion about the best (and worst) fast food has to offer.

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POSTER SALAD II: LOVE (NSFW…?), SEPARATION ANXIETY, CHAPPIE, BLACK SEA, COMET, JANE WANTS A BOYFRIEND, DOUGH, THE EDITOR, ’71

If I’ve ruined your day already, well…blame it on the arthouse.

Anyway, I’m stoked as hell that Gaspar Noe has a new film coming. Irreversible is a horrifying, wrenching film–one of the most uncompromising portraits of assault I’ve ever seen. And Enter the Void is an out-and-out masterpiece. (I still haven’t seen I Stand Alone.) New Noe films don’t come quickly, so I consider this a real event.

And if you find this poster stomach-turning, well…it’s vintage Noe.

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TRAILER SALAD VI: INSIDE OUT, AMERICAN SNIPER, THE MULE, BLACK SEA, THE WATER DIVINER, HORRIBLE BOSSES 2, SUMMER OF BLOOD

While I’m still figuring out just how to review the Nick Cave documentary 20,000 Days on Earth, how about some trailers?

First off, we’ve got the new Pixar, which looks pretty delightful. It’s got a hell of a voice cast–Amy Poehler, Lewis Black, Mindy Kaling, Bill Hader, and Phyllis Smith are the emotions–and a rich premise, so I expect this to be a bounce back from Monsters University (I will defend Brave, however). I am a little curious as to why 4 of the 5 emotions are negatives, or why Disgust is a separate emotion (though, Kaling is voicing Disgust, so objection I will waive), but I trust all will be satisfactorily explained.

Clint Eastwood’s Chris Kyle biopic, at the very least, looks much better than Jersey Boys or J. Edgar. I’m not sure if it’ll be a factor in the awards game this year or not–some are predicting it, though–but at the very least I could see Bradley Cooper getting a third nomination off of this. (According to Wikipedia, the film will not cover the alleged feud with and subsequent lawsuit from Jesse Ventura. I’m not sure how I feel about that.)

Click “Continue Reading” for the most awesomely gross trailer since Wetlands.

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TRAILER SALAD IV: A MOST VIOLENT YEAR, BIG EYES, THE BETTER ANGELS, JOHN WICK, THE TALE OF THE PRINCESS KAGUYA, NORTHERN SOUL, STRETCH (NSFW clip), THE INTERVIEW (NSFW), and FORCE MAJEURE

J.C. Chandor’s drama set in crime-ridden 1981 New York looks to be a solid period piece and a worthy progression from Margin Call and All is Lost. It’s getting early Oscar buzz for Oscar Isaac and Jessica Chastain, and I could imagine Chandor will get a second Screenplay nomination (he was nominated for Margin Call). I think it looks good, though I won’t say I’m totally dazzled yet.

There’s a lot of potential here. Tim Burton potentially returning to form (by reuniting with the writers of Ed Wood), and moving away from grotesque fantasy–while focusing on a different kind of grotesquerie. Amy Adams will be gunning for an Oscar with this, Christoph Waltz looks wonderfully slimy, and I’m really digging the score. So hopefully this pans out. I definitely liked the trailer more on the second viewing, which bodes well.

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