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GIGLI Liveblog Review – Utter Shite

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God help me.

What the fuck is this music? Is this Good Will Hunting?

What is that accent, Ben? Isn’t this a public laundromat?

Is that Saul Bass? Or Ben Hecht?

“Perchance”? Get the fuck out of here.

Who the fuck is this guy?

ROBERT ELSWIT, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING

This movie says “fuck” more than I do. That’s a problem.

“A dear friend of mine in Bjork”? What?

Damon Runyon would call this dialogue arch. That’s a problem.

This music must’ve cost a whole $30. Good Lord.

Justin Bartha, you poor fuck.

Who the fuck calls them “polly seeds”?

This film’s portrayal of the mentally handicapped ranks below any media I’ve seen to date.

Or anything ever, for that matter.

Is this jackass eating Brussels sprouts? 

Stay hydrated, Brian.

Wait, if this guy is related to a federal prosecutor, and he needs constant care, wouldn’t some extra precautions be in order?

Was there a knock? What?

You let a stranger into your apartment while you’ve got a hostage? That’s called thinking with your dick, Ben. Granted, that’s how this film got made, but still.

How did an Oscar-nominated writer-director let this shit happen?

Tourette’s Guy is…an infinitely more believable portrayal of Tourette’s than this film.

WHAT IS THAT FUCKING ACCENT, J-LO?

I don’t think Ben particularly merited an Oscar for Argo, but this should have disqualified him for life.

This is…really pretty boring.

Put WHAT whole thing behind you?

The SULTAN OF SLICK? GANGSTER’S GANGSTER?

…Jesus. 

I’d like to throw 35 cups of spit on Ben Affleck, Justin Bartha, Martin Brest, and Jennifer Lopez right now.

How the fuck did anybody not object to this treatment of the differently abled? This is totally fucked up. This is morally repugnant. THIS…IS…GIGLI!!!!!!

Why all the coversion? 

Justin Bartha, I hate you.

Martin Brest, I hate you more.

“Bull…cow”. This movie is bull…shit.

You leave Tabasco out of this, you sons of bitches.

This is shitty, but on a really depressing level.

The timing is so off here. It’s bizarre. Something went so fundamentally wrong here.

“We were so wrong!!!”

Ben, you’re not supposed to shit standing up.

This movie cost something like $75 million, but it could’ve cost 1% of that and been just as good.

“Good” is a relative term.

“Your penis.” “What does that mean?” It means you have disgusting genitals, Ben.

I don’t know what Being Peace is, but it’s almost certainly better than anything here.

“Larry, I’ve got a chicken!” What?

Christopher Walken is doing penance for all of his sins with this cameo.

How did this ever seem like a good idea for a film?

This acting is below any acceptable level. Most amateurs have passion.

Is Christopher Walken having a orgasm in the middle of a take?

A Walkengasm?

FUCK THIS INSPIRATIONAL STRING MUSIC

The sex is nowhere in this movie, Brian.

I’m invoking the Chekhov’s Gun rule on this kai toi mai bullshit. If J-Lo doesn’t rip someone’s eyeball  out before the end, this is losing another 10 points. 

This movie is all bullshit.

If this wasn’t so stupid, it would be unwatchably dull. This is bad. So fucking bad.

Stop trying to be deep. You’re not deep and never will be.

Ever.

Lainie Kazan, you depress me.

He will most definitely fuck this up.

STOP GIVING J-LO THE BEDROOM EYES, LAINIE

Australia: basically England, according to Gigli.

AGAIN WITH THE INSPIRATIONAL BULLSHIT WHY

This monologue would be laughable if it weren’t so interminable.

“The Must-Fuck Pyramid”?

How is a penis like a toe?

“The mouth is the twin sister of the vagina.”

Is Ben zoning off in the middle of a take?

I’m glad he’s as bored as I am.

“I will not abide…another thumb!”

Ben, you got paid $12.5 million to be here. Give a fuck about what you’re doing, you lazy ass.

Argo fuck yourself, Ben Affleck.

What the fuck are your tattoos, Ben?

Who the fuck is this?

How did she find her? What the shit?

No, Gigli, this is definitely Lesbian Talk Circle Time.

Is this woman a professional actor?

That’s not how you slit your wrists.

Why is it night all of a sudden?

“God bless you, penis.”

This movie cost $75 million. 

A twelve-hour blow job would be more entertaining to watch than this.

THIS MUSIC IS SHIT

SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

The Act of Seeing with One’s Own Eyes has more laughs than this.

Justin Bartha’s rendition of “Baby Got Back” is the ultimate Oscar clip.

STOP GIVING J-LO THE BEDROOM EYES, KINKO’S GIRL

“Dykeasaurus Rex-i”.

This movie is so aimless, if it were a penis, it wouldn’t hit the bowl, even by accident.

Farsightedness–basically the same thing as nearsightedness, according to Gigli.

This movie would be marginally more interesting if he was gay.

Oh, there it is. Lesbian, my ass.

NURPLE HIM

NURPLE HIM LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW

This is so fucked up.

TURKEY TIME?! 

“Lay some of that sweet hetero-lingus on me.”

A dissolve? Fuck you, Martin Brest.

What’s with the fucking guitar?

No lie, the sex scenes in The Room were more erotic than this.

At least they had, you know, actual nudity.

“Moooooooooooo.”

This apartment is so obviously a set, it’s ridiculous.

There’s almost an idea in this scene, but I can’t alow myself to care.

Al Pacino’s hair is funnier than any of the actual jokes in this film.

Fuck you, the thumb is a finger. And Pluto is a planet. Fuck you.

Who cares about anything that’s going on here?

“I don’t give a shit.” I know, Al.

This entire film was pointless. Even to itself.

Please, Al Pacino, shoot them both.

YES HE’S GOING TO DO IT

NO JENNIFER DON’T TALK HIM OUT OF IT

GODDAMMIT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

This is the worst rapping in human history.

Who could still give a shit at this point?

I guess the cinematography isn’t incompetent.

Oh, for fuck’s sake, tell him your real name and stop wasting my goddamn time.

This is reaching new levels of padding.

“Somewhere clean”? Try the fucking desert. 

Birdemic was more efficiently plotted than this.

I haven’t even talked about “The Baywatch”. 

A choir? I hope Handel is rolling in his grave.

Anyway, “The Baywatch”–it’s fucking stupid.

This is not a professionally made film. It might be made by professionals, but that doesn’t mean a fucking thing.

END YOU WORTHLESS MOTHERFUCKER, END

A+ for fingernails. But 0 for conduct.

“Hopping the fence”? Phrasing.

That black leather jacket has to be ridiculously hot.

She doesn’t have registration for that vehicle.

This is too boring to truly hate. 

This is a sick film. It was not made by good people. 

She’s Australian. Yay. Fuck you all.

I haven’t been this inspired since that time I dislocated my finger.

Your name’s Rochelle. Why the fucking secrecy?

And speaking of the finger…

Score: 11/100

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “GIGLI Liveblog Review – Utter Shite

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